Waking up for Christmas

At first I wanted to title this post “Is this real life?” Over the past few days I’ve had  several moments of simply looking around at what I am doing and asking myself, is this all real? Perhaps some of it is brought on by the holiday season. I find myself doing the things I am supposed to be doing…… I teach my classes, see my private clients, work out, go out with friends, attend holiday events, address Christmas cards. I’ve done so well at making sure I look like I am doing OK that there are times when I believe it. Then when I have the moments of disconnect where I find myself missing my Mom or wanting to talk to my Nanny that I want to shake my head and wake up from the dream I am living. I find myself going over all of the events  I have encountered  and I can’t believe it. How did I get here?
This isn’t the life I planned for myself. I am at a crossroads in my grief journey, and of course it would happen at this time of year.I find myself tired and desperately waiting for the school semester to be over. I find myself having days where I am alternately angry at the universe, grateful for what I do have and then critiquing myself for my internal dialogue. The difficult part for me is that my grief is layered. I pull away one to find another and it appears that there is no end. I worry that I am not doing as well as I should  could be. It appears that the surrealness of the past year has come to an end. I’m waking up from the fog of everything. As most grievers (and as I’ve been doing all along), I’m reevaluating where I find myself. Questioning what I should do next. Praying I make the best decisions – do I search for a full or part-time job?  How much of my time do I want to devote to teaching?   Do I develop my own practice? Do I take a risk and do something different? Within it all, I have hope. I have hope and believe that in five years, in ten years – I will still miss them but I will have a wonderfully full life. Getting there is the hard part.
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