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I’ve reached the point in my grief – or just simply my everyday life – where every thing I do is hard. My grief is manifesting itself on a physical basis. I know this is normal. I keep reminding myself that it is OK. However, it doesn’t make it any easier.
I woke up on Monday morning and every bone in my body hurt, as if I had done physical labor. I can usually bounce out of bed but my body wouldn’t do it. Despite a series of yoga poses that I do daily, my body returns to the state of stress. I keep trying, I keep stretching. This will pass. I just have to practice self care. Sadly, there have been moments when it hurts to think too much.
In the grief world, there are often not words to be found to describe how the grief feels. It is not unusual to use an analogy or metaphor which states the emotions on a much better level. I typically used the puzzle analogy that I used in my first post The Pieces. There are also others of being in the ocean and constantly being hit by waves, being in a hole with no way to climb out.
Yesterday, I came up with a new example for myself – this week has been as if I’m out in a field and I’m walking in mud. You know the kind of mud that the more you walk, the more it sticks together and your boots are heavy and no matter what you do – you can’t shake the mud off and everything is so wet that there isn’t grass to wipe it off.
Here in Kentucky, my front yard is a perfect example of that – after all of the rain we have had, our clay dirt simply sticks together – in clumps – and it’s heavy. Both sets of my grandparents owned farms and I can remember during the rainy season how covered everyone would be after they had been out in the fields checking on the horses or the crop.
So that is where I am this week. Exhausted from the minute I wake up and trying to pace myself with the things I must do. (Nanny starts radiation tomorrow – and my neighborhood is having a yard sale this weekend.I’m hoping to sale some of my Mom’s things, plus I continue to do something daily for the estate).
I’m as kind to myself as I can be. After all, I know what I am dealing with is normal. However, I really would like to take these proverbial mud covered boots off.
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