The most overused statement to anyone who is grieving or going through a difficult time is the comment
“Time will heal.”
I do not disagree with the statement. However, the statement is a very passive statement. This comment acts as if time truly is the ultimate healer. What is lost in the message is that when we are grieving/hurt and or lost that we must be active in the healing process. One has a say in how the grieving process will go.
Today marks the second anniversary of my Mother’s death.
For the past few weeks, my body has
reminded me of the approaching days. This past Tuesday (the day of the week she died), I awoke at 4:00 am, the exact time she died. it is hard to believe that it has been two years.
Thus, I have been thinking about how we expect time to heal. How exactly does time heal?
I question myself. Have I been grieving properly? Am I healing in the right manner? How much time does it take to say one is properly healed?
Over the past two years, I have attempted to take care of myself. I met with my physician and began to
physically care for my body with diet changes and exercise. I also continued with integrative therapies of acupuncture and massage which cared for me emotionally and physically. I’ve been fortunate enough to have professionals and loved ones in my life who allowed me to talk about my family members who have died. I let myself have bad days when I had them.
I have put work into my healing. Time has passed but I have been an active participant.
Just as when one has surgery and is told what they need to do to rehabilitate, the same should be said for the grieving process. A wound will naturally begin to heal but without the proper care, the wound will take longer to heal and perhaps not heal properly. I have often used the metaphor of a wound for grief.
Properly cared for wounds will heal. However, some wounds take longer than others to heal.
I’ve often questioned if being a grief counselor has benefited or harmed my grief journey.
I have the knowledge of what is normal and to be expected. I’ve been a guide on many grief journeys. In many ways I was prepared for my own grief journey. I knew the normalcy of emotions and the struggle. Nonetheless, I had to
feel the emotions on my own.
However, I’ve often criticized myself in ways which may have been harsher than someone who did not have my education and experience. I’ve been upset that memories still affected me. I’ve had negative self talk that has stated I shouldn’t be feeling the way I have been feeling. I’ve grown tired of my grief.
My knowledge and experience have not given me more power in healing, simply a different understanding.
As a counselor, I can not make promises to clients. However, in the past I have promised clients if they do the work of grief that in time they will feel less pain. In essence, they will begin to heal.
With the passing of the past two years of time, the acute stages of grief are no longer. Healing has occurred. I am learning to live with my emotional
scars.
I continue to miss my Mom. There are moments when I wish I could speak with her or share events. Sometimes the grief triggers hit when I least expect them. However, I realize this is normal. I allow myself to feel how I feel. I sit with the emotions.
Shortly after Mom’s death, one of her friends stated
“It never gets easier.”
I immediately disagreed with her. Years of working with grieving individuals had taught me that just because one has lost a loved one, that life can still be good. I believe I responded
” I know that it does.”
Sadly, I do not have a wound to show the process of my healing. However, I am not where I was
two years ago. I am not where I was
a year ago. Internally, I know that healing is occurring.
I can tell you that time does heal. However, we must be active in the process. Time is going to pass but we should do what we can to help it.
Time doesn’t heal. It is what we do with it.
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So sorry to hear about your mom. I think there are things in life you never quite “get over” and that is OK because that is life! Our family lost my dad when we are all a very young age due to cancer and it’s simply one of those that shapes you better or worse. Hang in there and try to do something special for yourself that you know your mom would love for you to do. Its about making memories and living your life to the fullest!
Thank you Krista, I like to say that grief is something that you “get through”. Like you, I lost my dad when I was 10 and it does change your life and who you become. I feel that my early losses in life have lead me to my career grief counselor. I truly feel without the early loss in life, I would have been someone different with a different career path. After my Mom’s death, I took on the statement “Make your mess, your message!” My goal will always be to help others with their own grief by using my life as an example. Thanks for stopping by.
I definitely think time heals the wound. One of my husbands best friends dies suddenly 8 years ago and at the time I thought he and his wife would never ever get over missing him, but now they can look back and smile rather than be sad.
It is such a wonderful feeling when the memories bring happiness and smiles rather than pain. In the early days of grief, I know that individuals feel this can never happen but it does and I think we all have to share our stories when it does.
I believe that it does get better with time and you’re so right – it’s what you do with that time and healing. I lost my father when I was just about to turn 3 years old and I think I’ll always long for the father that I never had. Instead, I hold on tight to my mother and appreciate every single day that I have her. I can’t even begin to think about when she passes away what my life will be like and how devastating it will be. She has been my mother and father both and I just love her dearly.
In some ways, I wish certain people could live forever, our parents in particular.
I’m losing my mother in law to COPD at the moment and I have to say, there is nothing glamorous about getting old and dying. I pray that I go peacefully in my sleep when it is my time. I can’t stand to see people suffering.
Loved this post!
xoxo
Lindsay
Lindsay, I’m so sorry to hear about your mother-in-law and I understand how you feel about your Mother. I lost my father when I was 10 and my Mom was both mother and father and one of my best friends. I have to say that one of my greatest fears was not having her in my life. I wasn’t sure how I would make it – however, two years later I am here. I’ve been blessed with friends who have become my family. Try not to worry about the future without your Mom. Enjoy each day, be grateful for the moment! So thankful you stopped by and commented.
“Time will heal” & “What will be, will be” irk me. Although, I know, distance in time is healing, there is *SO* much more. You are absolutely right!!
I honestly wish more people would consider that there is much more that goes along with the time. And as much as it is a “pinnable” quote: “This too shall pass,” it should come with the fine print of reality. The reality that yes it will pass, but you have to focus on you too, as much as you want to grieve, you cannot lose yourself.
It is very admirable that you help others. Thank you!
Sending you love, Sheryl.
::Virtual hugs::
XOXO
Thank You!!! I feel that everyone has heard those “Pinnable” quotes in their life. Sadly, after hearing them for so long, we tend to forget the difficulty of healing and pain. I realize that many say these things because they don’t know what else to say and my hope is to educate others on ways to not be supportive in positive ways. I felt those hugs!!! XOXO
I’m just at the beginning stages of grieving my mom (and step-dad’s) loss. All I have found so far is that some days are good, some are not; sometimes I have to work on just breathing to get to the next few minutes.
I know I will get through this, countless people I know have done it. It does just take time. Thanks for some great reminders–I know I need to work on self care at this point; plus I want to make sure my sister sees this post too.
Again, thank you!
Ann, in the early days of many of my losses – my mantra became simply Get up, get dressed and show up. I didn’t expect anything else from myself during those days. There will be days when simply doing one of those activities is all you can do. I so remember those times or having to take a deep breath. You will get through this! Grief is normal but we don’t normally grieve on a daily basis so it feels odd and different. I’ve written often about my grief and hope you may read some of my early posts after my Mom died. It may help you to realize what you are feeling is normal.
I lost my dad when I was 30 and 2 years ago this past Thanksgiving I lost my mom. It was a different process for each of them. With my dad, I had work, home, lived in a different state, young children…Life itself kept me going and got me through the grief process. So when mom passed, it was a totally different experience. I had moved back to the state where she lived, no longer working, children grown and on their own. An empty house for 8 hours of the day 5 days of the week was my refuge. I literally shut down. I closed myself off…on the 2 year anniversary, my daughter & her family came in from TX to spend the holiday with us since it was Thanksgiving when mom passed. It helped…my husband having never lost anyone close hasn’t known what to do…except give me space. More harmful than good I think…but it is what it is. Having experienced great loss twice now…I can truly say that time does not heal…but rather time makes the pain easier to cope with. At least that is how it is for me. I will never again be the same person I was before mom passed. But I’m working on being better than I have been over the last couple of years.
Mitzi, you are so correct in sharing that our grief is different depending upon where we are in our own life. When you don’t have a 9-5 job to go to daily, it can be easy to find home a refuge. I’m also thinking you were probably thinking about your Dad some during this time. We do not have the choice when someone dies but we do have a choice about how we grieve and how it changes us. Thank you for sharing your story. Please continue to take care of yourself!
Thanks for sharing these posts – it definitely helps me!! We have Kai’s one year anniversary next month – I’m just ready to be over all the ‘firsts’!
It’s hard to believe it’s been almost a year! I totally understand how everyone is your family is ready for the “firsts” to be over. As always, sending you thoughts, hugs and love!