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I’ve always been an overachiever. By nature, I am a perfectionist. I create to do lists. I accomplish things. However, I am also one to realize there are sometimes personal attributes which need to be adjusted. Currently, I’m in the adjusting stage of my life.
I realized yesterday that it had only been two weeks since my Nanny’s funeral. TWO WEEKS!! What is expected from someone two weeks after a death? How that question is answered depends upon who you ask. For years, I was the one giving clients permission to take their time, rest and do what they need. Sometimes you don’t even know what you need and in some ways that is where I am at today.
I have been taking things one day at a time and attempting to accomplish at least one thing on my check list a day. If it’s a good day, I may check off more.
- I’ve sold my Mom’s car and some other items
- taken items to be shredded (hello income taxes from 1960″s)
- began to organize items in Mom’s house for an estate sale,
- replanted items from my Nanny’s garden to my own yard,
- finally put up the boxes in my guest bedroom which were from my work office (and had been there since the end of March)
- provide LCSW supervision on a weekly basis
- I have had lunch/dinner with friends several times a week (and it means so much)
- spent one whole day cleaning my house because I felt it was too dirty to hire anyone to clean it (yes, that’s my issue and I own it).
- and I attempt to do some form of exercise a few days per week (thanks to my friend Jennifer for helping to hold me accountable this week).
I will also add that this week marked the anniversary of our miscarriage – as I said in an earlier post, I have an incredible ability to remember dates and times. I allowed myself to be sad about this loss.
The reality is what I’ve accomplished is significant for what I’ve been through over the past 8 months (I’m starting this story back in October when Mom began all of her tests). It can be very easy to look around and feel as if I’ve accomplished nothing.
What I find myself doing after I accomplish something is that I wander. I wander around a store, around a neighborhood, my house, my Mom’s house.
The definition of wander is ” to walk or move in a leisurely, casual or aimless way”
Aimless? That doesn’t fit in with my personality. But I’m at a time in my life where I need to be aimless. I need a day where I sit and do absolutely nothing.
So as I wander in my aimless manner, I also find myself wondering.
The definition of wonder is ” desire to be curious to know something.”
I am at a place in my life where I am reevaluating where I am and what I would like to do, where I would like to go next. Why have I done what I’ve done in my life?
As a grief counselor, after the initial education and support regarding grief, many of my client sessions became life coaching sessions. I do not believe I ever worked with a grief client who did not reevaluate their life is some form or the other. I feel that having a death in your life forces you to stop and take some time in looking at your life. That is where I am. I’m at a place in my life where I am reevaluating where I am and what/where I would like to go. Why have I done what I’ve done in my life? Who am I??
As I do some of my wondering – I think about others in my life (and society in general). So many of us do things because that is what we are told we HAVE to or SHOULD do.
Examples of such
- Going to college (let’s face it, some of us aren’t cut out for it)
- Getting married (I remember after I graduated from college and one of the first things upon meeting an old friend would be “are you dating someone or are you engaged yet? Why do we always have to be paired up?)
- Having children (yes, I put that out there, I believe there are people in this world who have children because that is what is expected and is supposed to happen)
- Getting the “right” job – I have friends who came from families where there were only certain fields which were acceptable to work in – even though they would have like to have looked into other professions.
- Having the “right” look – let’s be honest, we all try to fit into some look with our hair or our clothes or size.
The purpose of my blog is not only to help myself in regards to my grief and life but to help others in regards to their own. My hopes are in the future to create my own practice where I can continue what I was doing as a grief counselor but with my own twist.
So what are any of us doing with our lives? Many of my clients and friends simply exsist in their daily lives. They get up, go to work, take the kids to ball/dance practice, fix dinner and then do it again. So many people do count downs until their vacation and then they return to their daily life. Is that truly living?
I will admit that when I was working full-time, I often was too tired to do anything extra. Thus, I fell into the routine of simply existing. Because my work schedule called for late hours, I often didn’t go out with friends after work or go to events held on weeknights. I wasn’t really living the life I wanted to but I was afraid to make any changes.
I do not know what I want my future life to look like right now. However, I want to make time to enjoy the things I want to do and when I want to do it. I do not want my life to be consumed by only one or two things or to allow my life to be dictated by unimportant items.
This has been a much longer post that most but I hope that it gives you motivation to wonder about your own life. Is it out of balance and only centered around a few things? Are you doing what you truly want to do? If the answer is no, then why aren’t you and what can you do to make changes in your life to get where you want to go?
Thank you for taking the time to read this post and follow along on my journey. Please know how much I appreciate your comments and knowing that you are present. I’m hopeful about my future – and I hope you can be about your own.
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love this post, Sheryl. Wandering is so difficult for many of us type A personalities, but it often yields amazing dividends
Emily, you are so correct. It’s amazing what doing something difficult can yield. Thanks for posting.
Wonderful post! I am SO guilty of “simply existing” right now and need to start practicing what I preach at work…self-care. Easier said than done. As a working mom to four kids and step-mom to four more, and a husband who lives in DC during the week, I keep telling myself I will miss this chaos when I have an empty nest!