When A Grief Expert Grieves….

Sadly, I’ve been up since 3:00 am and have not been able to sleep. It’s been a long time since I’ve had this type of insomnia. I’ve graded papers, read blogs, viewed my celebrity brain candy. Then as I came downstairs to finally get coffee, it hit me what today is. One year ago today, my Mom had her surgery to remove her kidney  (and the extremely, aggressive tumor). For the past week I have been subconsciously aware of what time of year it was, what was going on. Tomorrow is her birthday. Sadly, she spent her last birthday on earth in a hospital (but on a positive note she was receiving good, legal medication). It makes sense that my mind and body are awake. I am aware of the normalcy of remembering the events and I have made a commitment to reminding the world of the normalcy of my emotions. Somewhere along the line of creating this blog I made some type of commitment to the world to document a grief journey through the eyes of someone who was once called a “grief expert” (seriously, that’s what I was called). On my way to creating my “new normal”, “next chapter”, or “new piece”, I don’t want to forget what I am hoping to accomplish with this blog and with my life.

A few weeks ago, I allowed some comments about this blog to affect me. I was told that my blog was too painful for this individual  to read and what I took away from the situation is that person believed that my blog was not beneficial.  What I should have stated was “Don’t read the blog if it makes you sad.”  I didn’t and I internalized things way too much, criticized myself way too much and begin to doubt how I truly was doing. I can not tell you the number of people who came to me as a counselor simply needing to be informed that they were doing OK and what they were experiencing was normal. My goal is the creation of this blog is to be real in regards to life. Sadly, life is not always perfect and we do not always get what we want. However, we often receive MORE than we could ever expect from life and our blessings are MORE than we could have ever prayed for. My intentions are to also document the blessings of my life as well as the struggle. Last night, I watched an interview with country singer Luke Bryan who for the first time publicly shared the story of the sudden deaths of both his brother and sister (at two different times).  During the interview, he stated he was talking about his grief and his story because if it only helped one person to know they could get through a loss, then he had accomplished something. There have been many times in my life why I have wondered why I am here? Why have I had to go through the events I have encountered? But I do not want to let my life be a constant question about why did these events happen to me. Everything happens for a reason. I am hoping I am here to truly be an inspiration to someone. To show that in adversity, sometimes you have to put on your big girl panties, show the universe your middle finger and get through it. It may not be pretty, it may be painful but I want to be proof that you can not only make it through the rough patches but thrive. There is the quote that there is “Always, always something to be thankful for.” I believe it. However, it doesn’t mean that I can’t also be sad, angry and a whole list of other normal grief reactions. Grief is not the center of my world but it is the every constant visitor that goes with me everyday. There are moments when I totally forget it is with me as I focus upon a task or something I enjoy and then there are moments when the ache and loss is all I can feel. There are more good days and times than bad but I am also aware of the approaching Holiday season and the multitude of  emotions. Last week, I verbalized something to James that I want to do with my life (but you will have to wait to find out what that was). Over the past few weeks, opportunities have arisen that I feel may be pointing me in the direction I need to take. I do not want to let fear or thinking “who do I think I am to be that person?” block me from becoming what I would like to become and hope for my life. My focus on this blog is to help myself and others recognize all of the pieces of life…. good, bad, ugly and somewhere in between.  I may make some changes in what and how I post but I do hope you will continue to follow and share with others along the way. ]]>