I’ve not slept well in over a week. One night I am certain I was lucky if I slept two hours.
My shoulders are tight regardless of the stretching and yoga poses I do. I’ve been anxious. I’m craving comfort food – which has now become something new in the way of potatoes (french fries and kettle chips). My Body Aches. I’ve been sick. I knew immediately what was going on. Today marks the one year anniversary of Nanny’s death. I debated about writing this post. Who wants to hear more about my grief? However, I continue to see this platform as my means to educate the world regarding normal grief reactions. The body remembers events in your life even when you are not overtly aware of the date. Specifically when it is the first anniversary of an event. However, it can happen at any anniversary date. My above symptoms of insomnia and hyperarousal (anxiety, trouble concentrating) are very normal reactions. I’ve found myself remembering what I was doing each day leading up to Nanny’s death and specifically how physically exhausted I was becoming as my Aunt and I rotated our time at the Hospice Care Center.
- I remember the day before she died found me lying on my couch almost unable to move with James bringing me drinks and even dinner. We received the phone call at 2:00 am that we should come as she was actively dying and by the time we got there at 2:30 she was gone.
- I remember the air was cool, the lights were too bright even though they were dim.
- I remember walking through the same halls where four months before I had said good bye to my mother.
- I remember thinking “I don’t have to do this anymore.”
- I remember going through the motions over the next few days as that is all I could do: planning; visitation, funeral.
Today is not last year. I am in a different place. But my body remembers. Unlike the regular events in life of getting dressed and going to work, our bodies register trauma differently. That is why as a date occurs we find ourselves experiencing some of the same reactions or reactions we were unable to experience at that time. Research shows that it is important to discuss and share our experiences with family, counselor, journal (or even in a blog). Sharing the story of a traumatic event helps to integrate what the mind and body hold. Today I am going to try to be kind to my body. I will do something nice for myself and practice self care.
Recovery takes time.
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Thinking of you, my friend! Hope you will take some time to love yourself, and celebrate your path over the last year!
Thinking of you. Hugs!