This space is in the process of change.
In the next few weeks there will be a new design on a new platform, posts will fall into categories and series will appear on a regular basis.
As I have begun to prepare for the transfer, I have been reviewing and labeling past posts. Over the past few weeks, I have realized that many of my posts have not been what I originally wanted or planned. Although I continue to focus upon the pieces of life that I feel are important to me (healthy recipes, travel, quality time with those who are important), there have been many things I have not said.
I’ve been editing my thoughts as I decided what to write down and share.
I realize that everyone edits what they say or write on a daily basis. However, I have begun to think about the things I have not been sharing in this space and even what I have not outwardly spoke. One of the core purposes of this blog was to provide a space where others can read about normal grief. Sadly, I feel I have pulled away from that purpose.
What I haven’t said is that I am still grieving as I move into this second fall without my Mom.
My self editing has come because I didn’t want everyone to continuously feel this is the space where every post is about the daily journey with my grief. I want this to be a place where others find inspiration and creative ideas. I wanted to show that although I daily deal with what I have lost that I am consciously taking steps to make a “new normal’. One can be OK and still feel the emotions of grief and I want this to be a place that spotlights that fact.
Most grievers, and anyone, going through a difficult time find themselves editing what they say to others. My years of working as a grief counselor has given me a foundation to draw upon in this knowledge. For years, clients would discuss how our short sessions were often the only place they could be open and honest without feeling judged.
I am educated and experienced in my knowledge of the grief process. Yet I also find myself judging my emotions and where I am supposed to be on an imaginary, unrealistic timeline of grief. If my critic is as loud as it is, I can only imagine the volume of the voice for those who are new to the experience of loss.
The reality is, whether you are grieving or struggling with other issues, even if your emotions are valid, not everyone will agree.
Individuals edit thoughts and words for fear of saying the wrong thing, offending someone or feeling judged by others and not receiving support. That is exactly what I have been doing in this space and at times in my personal life. I have worried that others are tired of my grief (guess what I am too). I’ve been fearful of perhaps not blatantly hearing the words “You should be over it by now.” but receiving subtle clues that “It’s time to move on.” In many cases, it is rare if anyone asks how I am doing and if they do, I know to give a superficial answer.
Today I want to share with you that the second year of grief is often more difficult than the first year. The self protection of shock has been removed,. However; fewer individuals are openly supportive and many do not acknowledge that your grief may be stronger. As a result, there is often constant editing to make it appear that everything is “normal”.
I’ve had moments of being angry at individuals my Mom’s age for being alive or for friends at having parents still living. I am aware that this is a normal response but it does not make it any more comfortable to experience.
Relationships have been changed over the past few years due to others being uncomfortable in knowing what to say or how to treat me. Their lack of acknowledgement has altered friendships and often made me feel that they didn’t care. Often, the damage can never be repaired. I can no longer be who I used to be as I have been changed.
As we move into the holiday season, few people stop to acknowledge that I am having to recreate every holiday tradition that I have ever participated in. I don’t discuss the difficulty of having to create new traditions of the upcoming holidays as most people become caught up in their own lives and stress of the season.
Although I daily practice gratitude and the blessings that I continue to receive, it is important for me to acknowledge there are moments of wishing I had something different. I do not dwell at this place but I allow myself to have the thoughts. It is normal to have the thoughts such as ” What might have been…”
There are many reasons why we don’t say things. However, I feel at times we edit our thoughts and words at the harm of ourselves. Today I want you to think about your own self-editing. What are the things that you don’t say to others? Most importantly, what are the things that you don’t allow yourself to acknowledge on a personal basis? I plan on saying more in this space and I hope you will stay.
]]>
In a span of thirteen months, I have lost two of my best friends. Cancer took each one, and their suffering was unimaginable. The loss is deep and the grief raw. Having their friendship was a great gift.
Ellie, I don’t think our society recognizes how difficult it is when a friend dies. Our friends are often more involved in our lives than our family and their absence brings as great of a hole inout live as anything else. I’m so glad you had them in your life but also so sorry about your loss. Remember you have a right to grieve them and to talk about their meaning in your life.
Have you read the rare bird? Reading it now and it’s really good. It’s hard for me to read that the second year gets harder 🙁
I haven’t read that. Please know that everyone’s journey is different and for some the second year is not as difficult. This is only my experience as I was bombarded with loss last year – the miscarriage, two family members, and I made the decision to leave my job. I was in auto pilot last year and felt very little. I used to share with my clients that take what you hear as warnings but not as solid truth. Your grief is as unique as you are. No two fingerprints are the same and no two journeys the same.
What a powerful post! I think that with blogging, I rarely regret sharing something…but I have often looked back on posts and wondered at the things that I didn’t share.
What was I thinking when I was 20 and moved across the country? At what point during my time in that “new” place begin to feel like it was HOME? These are questions that I ask, but I honestly can’t remember because I didn’t write it down.
Grieving is real and hard. I don’t care what they say, it doesn’t get “easier” with time. We’ll listen when you need to chat or remember!
I can’t wait to see your new look around here!
What a great post- I love all the lessons you wrote about especially the last two. Thanks for the reminder to think about lessons my mom has taught me and thank her.