When It's Ok To Not Be Grateful
There is much talk about the power of gratitude. Focusing upon gratitude has been shown to improve depression and anxiety. Making gratitude a daily habit can change negative thought processes. I know first hand how gratitude can change your life. [tweetthis twitter_handles=”@how2makealife”]There are times when it is ok to not be grateful. [/tweetthis] By training ourselves to always focus upon the positive and the gratitudes, there is also a chance we are creating defense mechanisms to ignore the natural pain and sadness of a moment. An encounter with a past client reminded me of how this can happen. At 16, his father died after a year long battle with cancer during his junior year of high school. A competitive athlete, he found comfort in returning to the football field. Five months after his father’s death, he tore his ACL and was out for the football seasons. He shared he never allowed himself to think about how bad it was. He focused upon the fact his knee would heal, he would return to sports and that his life wasn’t as bad as it could be. He had his mother and family. He wasn’t worried about having food to eat or where he would sleep. As a counselor, I often encourage clients to find the positive in a circumstance. Being grateful changes the view of horrible situations. At the same time, there is power in recognizing the difficulty of a moment. The reality for my client is he had lost his father and then lost the ability to participate in a sport he had lived his whole life playing. Even after a second surgery on his knee (and never being able to play high school football), my client shared he never allowed himself to have a pity party. He made it his purpose to always be grateful and happy. [tweetthis twitter_handles=”@how2makealife”]Although there is always something to be grateful for, we can also acknowledge we don’t like where we are. [/tweetthis] Sometimes life and situations are difficult and painful. If we do not take the time to acknowledge the truth about a situation, we begin a cycle of avoidance. An abundance of positive coping techniques can make one feel inadequate if there is any negativity. As a result, necessary and healthy emotions can be ignored only to return at a later time. Ten years from his father’s death, my client shared he was finding it harder and harder to be grateful and that life was becoming harder despite his continued techniques of being grateful. By continuing to focus only on the positive and being grateful, my client never allowed himself to be open to grieving. He didn’t feel comfortable with normal grief reactions of sadness or anger. He felt he couldn’t allow himself to feel anger or sad. I shared with him that it was horrible his Dad died when he was 16 and that he wasn’t able to finish his high school athletic career. I asked him why he felt he didn’t have a right to be angry? As I said those words, he nodded his head and looked out the window. Being grateful and angry at the same time didn’t feel right. When one is making significant room for one emotion, there doesn’t seem to be space for an opposing emotion. Acknowledging the difficulty of a situation is not ignoring gratitude. [tweetthis twitter_handles=”@how2makealife”]It is possible to be grateful but also make space for those emotions of hurt and pain. [/tweetthis] During my mother’s visitation, as I stood next to her casket, a friend stood there talking and suddenly stated, “Sheryl, this just sucks.” I had been spending the past months of caregiving grateful for the support of friends and good medical care for my Mom but at that moment my friend was holding a mirror up to my world and validating it for me. I was now without either parent. She was right, it sucked. I needed to have someone validate it for me because I was not able to do so. Gratitude is a powerful practice that I encourage everyone to develop. At the same time, it is equally important to acknowledge what else is going on. I’ve often shared with clients that they are allowed to have a pity party but the party can’t last forever. It can be a struggle to find a balance between gratitude and other emotions of a situation. Many grief clients would come to me stating how much more fortunate they were than others. I never disagreed with them but at the same time, I shared with them that it was ok to hurt and feel this wide variety of emotions.
- Gratitude will tell you at least you have a current job when you don’t get the new job you interviewed for. The truth is that it hurts to be rejected (even if it’s a job you didn’t want).
- Gratitude will tell you that losing your current job will open up new opportunities. The truth is, losing a job is scary and forces one into the unknown.
- Gratitude will tell you that you have great insurance and are able to seek out physicians and other professionals for your health concerns. The truth is being sick impacts how you live every moment of every day and it is exhausting.
- Gratitude will tell you that you have a good adoption agency and will be chosen. The reality is there are days when the lack of a phone call makes the hole in your heart bigger.
- Gratitude will tell you that you will have the ability to pay off the house and financially live well after your spouse dies. The truth is, although being financially comfortable is a blessing, you have lost the one that you love.
Have you allowed yourself to not be grateful?
I love this so much, because it’s about not stifling our emotions and faking it. Sometimes, we just need to FEEL the pain. You are so right. Great post.
Thank you Chelsea! So many individuals are taught to not acknowledge their emotions out of fear or out of what is “proper’. Simply acknowledging emotions automatically leads to healing.
This hit me right in the gut today. So beautifully written, friend. I try to be grateful, but some things just, as your friend said, suck.
There’s nothing wrong with stating things aren’t great. I think by saying as much, we automatically begin feeling better. What matters is that we don’t stay where we are.
“By training ourselves to always focus upon the positive and the
gratitudes, there is also a chance we are creating defense mechanisms to
ignore the natural pain and sadness of a moment.” So so true! And I never really thought about that before until now. Thanks for sharing this, Sheryl!
Thank you Emily. I’ve learned over the years that there are many ways of avoidance and sometimes being uber positive can lead to problems later on.
Wow, just wow. What a beautiful post and strong message.
Thank you Mar! XOXO
I think, no scratch that, I know, I needed this today. We always are told to be grateful and find the good in everything yet as you said, we need to acknowledge all of our emotions as well. Thanks for putting this out there so I don;t feel selfish when doing this. Your explanation and encouragement is music to many ears I’m sure!
I’m so glad this spoke to you Anne. I was hesitant to write it but as you stated – all of our emotions are important. There’s nothing selfish in recognizing things are great – we just can’t stay in that place.
This is such a great post, Sheryl. And sort of where I’m at in therapy at the moment. I really struggle with letting myself feel things like sadness, anger, or grief, and when I first got into self-help books, it was easy to take all the positive thinking and gratitude stuff and feel like I was better when I was still really frozen inside and scared. Experiencing strong emotions in therapy still feels strange, but as you probably know, there is a powerful energy behind anger, more so than, say, feeling frozen. It’s been an interesting shift.
Oh yes Jess, there is such power in emotions and I’m so glad you are taking the step and allowing yourself to feel them. I always share with my clients that there is nothing wrong with our emotions, it is what we do with them that can be unhealthy. It sounds like you are feeling the shift and changes.
I never thought of it that way, separating actions and emotions like that. YES! That makes so much sense (and helps me to understand other people in my life a little better too). Thank you, Sheryl!
This is great! I am a school counselor and work with my kids on finding positives, but allowing yourself time to grieve is just as important.
It’s so important that we teach kids that there aren’t “bad” and “good” emotions but it how we deal with the emotions that can be unhealthy.
I spent my life saying I was ok. At 38, I was struck with such anxiety, rage and fear that I thought I was going to die. I had a great group of friends that allowed me to be gut level honest. There were many things in my childhood that were not ok. They were terrible. I was finally able to be honest and allow myself to feel all of the disappointment and hurt I had been avoiding. I mourned all the losses, and it did not kill me. It healed me. Grieving is vital to healing. Thank you for sharing.
I’m so glad you were able to allow yourself to feel these emotions. So many feel that the emotions will destroy them but don’t realize by not acknowledging them, they are being destroyed. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your journey.
Very helpful points and so important to acknowledge hardship but also finding the positives. You get so much more out of a situation if you allow yourself to work through it.
We grow only if we allow ourselves to feel and learn from the journey. We learn as much from the struggle as we do the success. So glad you stopped by.
What a beautiful reflection. I am currently going through a separation and imminent divorce. My friends, family, and colleagues have been very supportive, loving, warm, and generous to me during this time. Even knowing this relationship is over, I still feel grief, sadness, and a sense of failure. My true friends acknowledge my pain, and offer to cheer me up with a distraction or humor. But they always acknowledge my emotions first – they are not dismissive of my emotions or make me feel that what I feel is “abnormal.” This is critical in any relationship and is a fundamental element of empathy. It was so lacking in my marriage that I am beginning to feel what real empathy looks and feels like, from my friends and family…and I want that in a future partnership or marriage, should I be so blessed to have a second shot at marriage.
I’m so glad that you have others around you who are willing to acknowledge your emotions. It is so important to acknowledge the whole range of emotions that we have in life. We grow from all of them.
My whole childhood I pretended like life was so much better than it actually was. Now as an adult, living with a serious chronic illness, I have learned to just accept what I am given. Nothing I do is going to cure me. All I can do is be thankful its not as bad as it could and will be. People always ask me how I manage. I tell them, there is no other option. Sitting around and being miserable isn’t going to heal me.
Accepting where we are is so important. When we spend so much time trying to be something we are not or avoiding, we are actually making ourselves more miserable. Thinking of you lady!! I know it’s been a tough week.
This is spot on. Allowing myself to really feel emotion has actually made my gratitude increase. Acknowledging the hard things and working through them allows for so much growth, and that is something to be thankful for in itself!
I so agree with you Christina, we can grow from acknowledging all of our emotions. It’s wonderful that we can do so.
My mom always told be that there was always something to be great full for. That has helped me through some difficult times, and given me a better perspective on life.
Yes, there is always something to be grateful for – but it is equally important to acknowledge the struggle and not avoid those emotions.
I agree, as a fellow psychotherapist, there is a time and a place for gratitude. It is okay to not feel grateful in difficult situations initially. In fact if someone feels grateful initially, I suspect they are in denial to what they are truly feeling. When we are authentic and heal, gratitude comes in time. Thanks for your piece.
This was incredibly eye opening for me and I completely agree with everything that has been said, it has made me look at gratitude in a different way, Thank you for sharing this piece Sheryl.
Feeling our feelings AND being being thankful are both important as you show. In general when life is going well, I like to amp up the gratitude. When things are tough, I spend the time needed to feel then use gratitude to begin shifting into a more positive place. Great post.